Battling Insomnia: To Be Seen

I see you. It has been a long night, hasn't it? More than just one long night, a row of many long nights, sometimes spanning days or months. Who even knows when these insomnia spells start and end anymore. Are they even spells anymore, or is this just what life is now? 

We try new things, sometimes it works for a few nights and leads us on with false hope, short before long we are back to battling insomnia. Other times, they have the grace not to work at all, from the beginning.

Feeling oh-so alone

I think this is one of the times that I struggle the most, a few nights in to a severe insomnia spell and nothing is working. Feeling really fragile, tired, and oh-so alone. I have done all the things - restarted my sleep routine more times than I care to mention. Listened to the guided meditation right through to the end.

Abided by my medication that I have been using the last few weeks and actually been sleeping. That was, until 4 night ago, now there is nothing but dismal drops of an hour here and there. It just stopped working for no rhyme or reason, there were no major stressors or anything specific that could have caused it.

Here I sit its 3 am and the world is silent, I cannot bare to watch another movie, or pick up my book. There is just no concentrating long enough to read.

My family sleeps, my pets sleep, the whole town around me seems to sleep. Yet here I am, no sleep, no company, dwelling on feelings of frustration, sadness, and loneliness. It is likely that I will fall asleep around 5 am again, upright on the couch, with my head leaned back on a pillow, just for an hour, a minuscule replenishment of fuel before I have to get the day started - children, work, and the usual humdrum.

I could just cry, I do in fact cry, but it feels more like a weep, like I am just at the end of my rope and these tears will help me float for another day. I see you, I feel you, and I get it.

Sleeplessness and its grind on mental health

I see you, with sore eyes and a weary soul. This part of insomnia is not often spoken about, or not enough if you ask me. The drain that insomnia places on your mental health is immense, it impacts every part of our lives. 

Things as simple as daily tasks become unimaginable, and hard to manage, forgetting things is second nature. Insomnia affects my mood and my behavior, along with my decision making skills.

Yet, we are expected to carry on, to parent, to work, to clean, and to continue doing all the things that we would usually do. If we complain too loud or too often, we are told  to stop complaining, "It's not that bad," or my least favorite, "You can just sleep tonight." If only we could just sleep. People who invalidate a person like this, just don't seem to get it, do they?

Battling insomnia

Emotional health while it walks hand-in-hand with insomnia, it is its own beast to battle. For me, it is how I manage my moods and feelings and the ability to regulate that. The way that insomnia affects how I feel it incredulous.

Never in my life did I think that the lack of proper sleep could affect my emotions so badly. I am sure that you can relate to being snappy or short with people for no apparent reason. Feeling sad, angry, and a wide range of emotions and just not really being able to get a handle on it. You are not alone in this.

So many of us go through it on a regular or daily basis. Sleep deprivation by any means is its own level of torture. It causes stress and can leave us feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope.

I see you, and you are not alone, reach out to someone, be it a friend or an online community, with people who are going through the same things and truly understand what you are experiencing. It will make the world just a little less lonely, if only for a moment.