Insomnia: Faking It Until You Make It

Several years ago, I had a coworker whose mantra was, “Fake it till you make it.” Truth be told, I don’t know that I put much stock into that saying. I always thought there was no need to fake it if you were giving it your best effort in the first place. It seemed to be just a hair's breadth away from a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

I’m finding myself reconsidering it these days. I am indeed giving it my best, but faking it seems to be what is helping me deal with my insomnia.

Lying to myself to fake it

Most nights, I don’t settle into bed until around 11:30 PM. when I can find any number of reasons to avoid trying to sleep. Because I have gotten very familiar with insomnia, I know how this goes:  I am supposed to be up and moving by 6:00 AM, which sounds like a nice stretch of shut-eye. In an ideal world, it is – if I actually slept that long. Unfortunately, I don’t.

Over the last several years, I have started telling myself that those 3 or 4 hours of what feels like solid sleep are enough to keep me going. I’m not necessarily making it, but by lying to myself, I sure am faking it.

The proof is in the mirror – and sitting in my bathroom

If there was ever a doubt in my mind that I am not getting enough sleep, it’s quickly wiped away when I take a look in the mirror. Bags under my eyes tell the whole story. I may be alone in this one, but when I am lying awake in the wee hours, I sometimes think I am able to feel my eyes sinking further into my head. They are as tired of being on high alert as I am, I’m sure.

There’s not a lot of honesty happening here either. A makeup case full of concealers, green and yellow correcting creams, and a number of remedies for the travesties happening under my eyes sits in my bathroom screaming that I am a big liar.

The biggest lie of all happens at 7:00 PM

Should you happen upon me sitting on my couch around 7:00 PM each evening, you would have all the proof you really need that I am not getting enough rest. Now, mind you, I am telling myself that I am fine with my 11:30-6:00 (minus 3 or 4 hours) sleep schedule. I fake my way through the day saying, “It’s fine. You’re fine. Everything is just fine.”

Me on the couch at 7:00 PM? Ha. I am nodding off, barely able to keep my eyes open. The sounds of the television and the washing machine swirling around my ears seem to be the only things keeping me from falling into a sound sleep.

I look, for all intents and purposes, like a person who could easily fall asleep once in bed. That’s simply not true. I have tried that strategy – the “go to bed when you feel sleepy” approach. It’s not for me. I would love for it to work – for anything to work, actually.

What I do look like is a person with insomnia who is clinging desperately to hope and making a great show of faking it till I make it – through the night without waking, that is.