Now That I'm Healing... I Still Can't Sleep

I previously wrote about how I recently went through a medical crisis. Well, anyone who has had a major medical event knows how widely it can affect your life, whether it’s physical recovery, emotional state of mind, or just overall well-being and check of good health.

Getting 'back to normal'

I'm not sure I'll ever have a near-perfect clean bill of health, but I've since been cleared to come back to work and not rely on being fed through a medical device.

Well, now, more recently, my life has gotten “back to normal” – I guess as normal as one would be in my shoes currently. What I least expected was to be physically recovering, sleep for 12 to 18 hours for a week or so, then go back to my cyclic insomnia.

But this bout of insomnia after recovering from things such as organ failure and being tube fed via a central line connected to my heart hasn’t been easy at all.

An exhausting recovery

I’ve been mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I spent 2 months basically sleeping before I went into a medical crisis. Then I went into an even bigger medical crisis due to the same reason I was already homebound.

When I was recovered enough nutritionally, I was able to come off some of these medical devices. I snuck sleep in here and there, mostly during the day, as I was on medical leave and no longer working third shift.

Effects on my sleep

This time, my recovery has been totally different in regards to sleep, to the point where I have stopped taking any stimulants to aid in my treatment of attention deficit disorder (ADD).

Now, I’m lucky if I take all of my heavy-duty sleep-inducing meds and fall asleep at all. Last night, I laid down at 10:30 PM and lay there awake until 5:15 AM, when my significant other woke up for the day.

Frustration and disbelief

It’s excruciating to know someone you sleep next to is sleeping so soundly, and that is all you long for all night. Well, I eventually got to the point the last few nights that I got so frustrated sleeping next to a partner who has no trouble staying or falling asleep that, again – I’ve been making my bed on the couch.

What more can I do than take all of my insomnia sedatives which should knock out a horse, but seem to have the opposite effect on me? Have I really built up that much of a tolerance even though for the last 3 to 4 months, I wasn't able to take most of these medications? You'd think I'd be able to lull into a better sleep now.

Finding it hard to stay positive

Do I consider a sleep study again? I’m treading murky waters again here as I recover. I have now been back to work for a few weeks and am no longer in a homebound state.

How do you remain positive when you go for a week with not even an hour's worth of sleep? At what point do you start to lose your mind? I know my point, and I’ve slowly been breaking more by the day and it’s hard to stay positive.

I feel so alone.