My History With ADHD and How It Has Affected My Insomnia

I have been experiencing insomnia since I was a young girl back in the 80s as if being a teenager was not hard enough. Things were never easy for me from when I was very young. I struggled to fit in. I was always in trouble at school for daydreaming, being forgetful, and for being very talkative. It was difficult for me to manage my emotions, and I was often in trouble at home for another myriad of reasons.

I remember watching a little girl tidy her room when visiting and it was not 10 minutes before it was pulled together. I tried the same thing and was even told, "It is not that hard, just do it. Start at one end and do it." A few hours later my room was still a mess. My self-worth was in the ground and my heart was broken, why were these things so hard for me?

Creeping into the 90s

Over the years, the daydreaming and messiness stayed and was clouded by development and growth and hormones. Oh gosh, if I knew then what I know now.

Sleepless nights and insomnia tested my very limits before I even knew what my limits were. Throw in the social struggles with friends and issues with first loves. All these other things that I had come to believe were my personality turned out to be many parts of ADHD, while some were from a lack of sleep - compliments of my insomnia.

Some of the primary issues I experiences were:

• Major time management issues.
• My head was always noisy and staying on point or track was incredibly hard for me, there was no coherent train of thought, but that was all I knew.
• Daydreaming or rather zoning out.
• Losing things and forgetting things
• Feeling, sad, anxious, depressed, and permanently exhausted
• And talking, so much talking.

Fast forward 30 years

Watching my daughter struggle with many of the same things that I did was so eye-opening. The difference is I was looking at it differently, and, before long, she was diagnosed.  Sensory processing disorder, ADHD, and anxiety.

On that same bitter-sweet day, I was assessed and given an ADHD diagnosis. The psychiatrist had noticed and asked if I had ever been assessed. I laughed it off and said, "Don't be silly I have always been like that. She smiled and said, "I know and I am sure it's been very hard for you."

I cried, I was not bad, broken, or naughty, I just needed help. The little girl in me wept and the adult in me sighed with deep relief. By now I had been diagnosed with a few chronic conditions, and among others was insomnia, the beast that stole my sleep.

Present day... Or night

Tick tock... I roll over in bed, I have lost count of how many times I have told myself that now I am going to sleep. Tick Tock... The thoughts start rolling, did they actually ever stop? It is now 10:30pm, a seemingly decent hour to get some very much-needed shuteye. Tick Tock... I am not sure if I locked my front door, I get up again to make sure. This is the fourth time I have gotten up to go and check something. I just want to sleep.

Okay, deep breaths check the list, Clair, do it all again, doors, windows, the stove is off, all plugs are off at the wall check. The child is sleeping, the animals are fed, and the laundry is done. I am thirsty, let me get some water before I have to get up again. Don't put the kitchen light on, stay on task, and go back to bed.

Tick Tock... Clair, snap out of it, you are going to miss your sleep window. Stay on task!

The sleep anxiety sets in and suddenly, it's 11:00pm, and I am back in bed and tossing and turning. I cannot get my head to stop, I cannot slow the thoughts and fears, the music and intrusive thoughts. The blanket feels funny and I cannot stop processing my day, last week, and the puppy I found when I was 6. How is it even midnight, I can feel myself dosing off. Finally, sleep comes.

ADHD affecting my insomnia

Tick tock it is now 12:45am, I got exactly 40 minutes. I slide up in my bed and the tears just roll down my cheeks. I feel so defeated, tonight there will be no sleep, tonight is night 3.

I am reminded of that little girl who had no idea what was happening in her brain, and I wish I could back in time and tell her, it is going to be okay. There are no cures, but you will find ways to manage, there are great medications and therapies and you will be okay.

Some nights and weeks will be hard like this one, but there will be a time when you sleep and rest and you can manage your mind and the intrusiveness of the ADHD, that you do not even know you have yet. It will take 30 years, but you will be okay.