How Grief Keeps Me Up At Night

It is 4:12 AM, and I cannot sleep. I have struggled with sleep for as long as I can remember, but it has been worse lately. While I've chased sleep my whole life, I have never feared it until now.

A couple of months ago, my dad passed away. It happened during a routine surgery - very sudden and unexpected. I was in the surgery waiting room, waiting alongside some family members when the surgeon and anesthesiologist told us the bad news. It's a day that I will never forget. It's a day that steals my nights from me.

Sleepless nights after loss

Ever since my dad died, I haven't been able to sleep at night anymore. Every time I lay down and close my eyes, I relive the day he died. I find myself back in that waiting room, hearing the bad news and being led to the operation room to see him one last time.

Without getting into too many of the sorrowful details, I relive every moment, from sitting in the waiting room to sobbing in my partner's arms as they consoled me the next day to the funeral a week later.

Beyond these vivid flashbacks, I also experience immense guilt and regret, for all the times I was unkind to him. For all that has been left unsaid. For the complicated relationship we had in the years preceding his death. And most of all, for the moments we will never get to share together.

Sleep avoidance during grief

At first, I tried to push through. In the days following, I reasoned with myself, saying, "It just happened - it makes sense that I'm struggling with it." So, every night, I would stay in bed, tossing, turning, and crying until I had tired myself out and finally fall asleep.

I would dread going to bed at night and began employing different methods to delay going to sleep and facing that day again. This comprised reading, watching TV, talking away at my partner, or doing so much during the day that I would be utterly exhausted when it came time to sleep. Unfortunately, none of this made a difference.

Exploring grief counseling

During this time, I connected with a grief counselor provided by the hospital. I told her about my struggles with sleep, and she suggested a few different things, including having a designated mourning period for my dad during the day. She said that having this allotted time where I let myself fully grieve and mourn my dad may help redirect the intense thoughts preventing me from falling asleep.

I thought this was a good idea and hoped it would help me. So, I tried it and continue to try it most days. But it has not helped me much. While it is nice to carve out some time for my dad every day - whether by listening to music he liked, going through old pictures and videos, reminiscing with my sister, or just talking to him - it hasn't improved my sleep. Every night I continue to relive the experience from the day I lost him.

The compounding effects

As someone living with chronic illnesses, the lack of restful sleep during the night also worsens my everyday symptoms of pain, fatigue, and brain fog. This has resulted in a lot of daytime sleepiness and depression naps as my mind and body try to catch up on rest. It severely disrupts my routine and means I can't get as much done or spend as much time with my family.

While I know grief manifests differently from person to person, I am comforted by the fact that it is a shared human experience. And like all those who have experienced grief before me, I know that time will go on, and I will learn to carry my grief and continue with my life.

Until then, I will keep seeing a counselor and trying to find new ways to cope and fall asleep again.