Insomnia and the Holidays

The holidays are stressful even when we are not in the middle of a pandemic. I take the week of Thanksgiving off every year because it is my birthday, and everyone only works 2 days that week anyway.

I like to stay informed on current events. However, I ignored the news for roughly 9 days. If I didn't, like anyone else with sleepless nights right now, I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about the images on the news of massive crowds gathered at airports. Or the awful trip I had to make to the grocery store quickly.

Trying to distance while grabbing gravy felt like Black Friday shopping socially. Things are getting worse where we live, and restrictions are non-existent.

A temporary Thanksgiving reprive

Undoubtedly, like everyone else, holidays do not feel as festive if you follow the suggested guidelines. This Thanksgiving, however, was wonderful in its own way for us.

When my husband worked as an RN in a hospital, we rarely had holidays with him. This year, we made dinner as a family; I remembered my husband's can of cranberry sauce because he DID NOT like the fresh sauce we made one year. We celebrated my birthday that day with a cake from Publix and vanilla ice cream.

I took a very restful nap, which I cannot believe. It is so scarce. I felt some normalcy. It felt as if the outside world was normal for once. My kids and I were not eating at IHOP because my husband was eating a hospital potluck his fourth year in a row.

Reality comes screaming back

When I was getting ready for bed, I received a message from my brother-in-law who is still in limbo with his immigration case. He moved back to Mexico on his own so that they wouldn't ban his reentry permanently.

I laid awake for a long time that night thinking of my sister spending a holiday alone because a system meant to aid people such as her husband has failed them. He is a wonderful man, father, preacher (this coming from an atheist), and community advocate. He is the father of my nephews, who miss him terribly.

Reality came screaming back to slap me in the face. I had tricked myself into a sense of normalcy because we had such a wonderful day. For a few hours, my family was where they belonged, and all was right with the world. But we were all still separated, and nothing felt right. I didn't sleep that night. The thing I ended up most thankful for on this Thanksgiving was my nap.

Making gifts for my sisters

A few days later, I was at a local craft store picking up an online order. Since most of my time is split between work and home, I have decided to make each of my sisters unique gifts this Christmas.

My baby sister is getting married next year, and I want to make something to display for their first Christmas as a married couple. It was a tradition my grandmother started many years ago, and I wanted her and her further husband to have one too.  I've recently rediscovered my love for painting ceramics, which my grandmother taught me.

Her gift will be the traditional gift we were all given by her before her passing, a large ceramic Ceramic Christmas tree with multicolored bulbs with a light you turn on inside. I will forever cherish mine. While I was there, my sister sent me a text message inviting me to a family Christmas dinner at her apartment.

Safety concerns and holiday gatherings

I asked her how many people were expected to be there, expecting this to be potentially the day she had chosen for us to come for dinner. It was not. The entire family will be at her apartment. I responded politely with my concerns after realizing how many people would be there.

I work for a small college with nursing students and faculty who still use campus a few times a week. My exposure is not high, but it is still exposure. Not to mention cases in our city are rising daily because our largest state university with a party school's reputation is roughly 20 minutes away.

My family's safety comes first

My nephew has severe asthma, and my husband has heart failure. At least five of us who would be present at this dinner are genetically prone to blood clots (due to something called Factor V Leiden), which can be a major complication in COVID if you become hospitalized. 3 of the 5 are my children and me.  

My husband was clinically dead when he had his second heart attack, and the thought of losing the love of my life over a Christmas dinner makes me sick to my stomach. I feel that rush of terror again when the nurse told me they revived him, but his situation was uncertain. I will do everything I can to avoid that again.

Imagining my nephew on a ventilator is a thought that keeps me awake at night. My nephews, next to my own two children, mean more than anything to me. The thought of losing any of them makes my chest tighten up with anxiety.

My insomnia is at an all-time high

I told her we would figure out a way to make something happen so the kids can be together for a few minutes in a safe area. Her tone changed immediately. It was as if I was insinuating uncleanliness. My exhaustion was overwhelming. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil, which has my insomnia at an all-time high. I did not have the ability to look deeper at her potential reasoning for getting upset with me.

Feeling guilt and confusion

Reflecting on it after what was a decent night's rest for me, I felt terrible. I should not have done anything but suggest we called each other when we calmed down. But at that moment, my emotions won. I would protect her and her children at any cost.

I asked her to please not be upset about me asking for the same respect my husband and I show our nephew so he is safe. They both need to be protected as much as possible until they are vaccinated.

Thinking about our conversation

At that moment, when we hung up the phone, I could not understand why she became so angry with me. More and more I thought about it. Initially, I thought I had said something which had hurt her feelings. I stayed up late that night painting, so sleep would have been minimal if it actually happened.

Finally, a few hours later, it dawned on me. 3 of her sisters can enjoy the holidays with their current or future husbands. The legal process failed my sister, my nephews, and their father. So far, he has missed 2 Thanksgivings and is about to miss his second Christmas.

Heartache and more sleepless nights

Her husband lives in Mexico's rural area where there is no work due to COVID-19, and medical treatment is unaffordable. Out of everyone who tried to send him a gift, mine was the only one who made it. It was a large box of French vanilla coffee creamer. Her gifts were always returned to her damaged or are still sitting in Mexico City.

My heart ached for their children, for my sister, and my brother-in-law. I laid there that night and went over apologies in my head so she would know I understood why she wanted her family at Christmas. She needs us there. We are working on a compromise both of us can be happy with, but as the 19th moves closer, the less I sleep and the more I stress about how much more I will upset her.