Nighttime Irrationality: How I Went From Baking to Brain Tumor

Yesterday morning, I woke up knowing I just had to tell this story. I had my own real-life example of what I discuss with clients all of the time – how we can so easily slip down the rabbit hole of unhelpful irrational thinking when we are not sleeping well.

Nighttime irrationality and insomnia

I no longer have insomnia, but I did for a very long time. However, I still have bouts of poor sleep – when things are exciting, stressful, upsetting, or just very different.

This week we decided to take the plunge and turn on the heat. It's a house that is new to us, so we are getting used to how much to heat it, given that it's not very drafty. In a nutshell, I had a couple of nights of truly awful sleep as a result of it being too warm.

Somehow, though, this translated into me having a brain tumor!

Scary thoughts at 3 AM

Now, I rarely run down the rabbit hole of scary thinking, courtesy of longstanding mindfulness practice. I always reflect on thoughts that stir emotion in me: Is this just a habit, or is this one I need to pay attention to? But that radar doesn't always work well at 3 AM.

The first time I tossed, turned, tangled, and woke, I smelled cinnamon and apples. Then, I thought to myself, "How weird!" Next, I figured I was dreaming and fell back into a weird sleep.

How I went from baking to brain tumor

I woke again, smelling apples. I thought, "Now there's nobody making apple pie in the kitchen at this time of night; I must be imagining this!" My partner also had woken, and I asked him if he'd smelled apples and cinnamon. He patted me on the head and said I must be dreaming, so I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

Waking again, I didn't smell the sweet cinnamony apple scent...and then I did. I thought, "Perhaps, I have COVID-19" Some people can either lose or have a change of smell as a result of the virus. "I'll test myself in the morning," and then I fell back into a weird dreamy sleep.

You guessed it. I woke again. Apples and cinnamon. I thought, "I feel fine, and so what if it's not COVID-19? It could be synesthesia!" Synesthesias are when people's senses are wired differently - some can 'taste' sounds, for example. Then as I fell back to sleep, and I remember thinking to myself, "But I didn't have a head injury today." (Boy, the things we think to ourselves when we are tired...it's not like I get head injuries regularly or anything!)

When poor sleep leads to negative thoughts

Next, I woke up while it was getting closer to daylight peeking in.

I had the answer.

If it wasn't someone baking, and it wasn't COVID-19 (though I hadn't ruled that out yet), and it wasn't synesthesia caused by a head injury, it must be synesthesia caused by a brain tumor!

Right?

I sat up in bed and put my feet on the floor. I wasn't feeling scared but more wondering and curious at this point.

Looking at the side table, there sat my cup of tea from the night before. It was a new-to-me tea and didn't have apples or cinnamon in it. Still, I smelled it anyway. And it registered as the same smell I kept smelling all night.

Irrationality and negative thoughts

Obviously, if I had smelled this smell and it kept going, and I hadn't connected it to the tea, I'd have become concerned, did my COVID-19 test, and rung my doctor to touch base.

But, this was just my mind spinning down a spiral of nighttime irrational negative thinking. Driven by sleeplessness. And let free by my irrational brain being half asleep.

Have you ever experienced nighttime irrationality and insomnia? What's the most irrational thing you've thought to yourself in the middle of the night? Please share a comment below.