The Vulnerability of Sleep

For many, falling asleep is extremely difficult. I have heard many community members, myself included, say that they just cannot turn their mind off, they cannot unwind, they cannot release into drifting off to sleep.

Personally, this has led me to some less than ideal bedtime/in bed habits, including watching TV until all hours of the morning, scrolling, playing games on my phone, or reading on my iPad. None of these, especially since they all emit blue light, are great for shutting the brain down. But they are great at providing a much needed distraction when falling asleep just isn't happening.

Compounding traumas

Recently, I have started wondering if this is really my brain not being able to slow down, or if it is because emotionally I have come to understand that each night when I go to bed, I am taking off my armor and putting down my defense mechanisms and allowing vulnerability to take over and lull me into dreamland?

What if it is in fact our emotions that keep us awake, keep us scrolling our phones or watching television or listening to podcasts instead of unconsciously watching the insides of our eyelids? This thought gave me great pause.

As someone who has been through several compounding traumas over the past several years, I would say my brain mostly lives in the fight or flight quadrant of emotional responses, and I have just started to wonder if this overlays with my insomnia as an adult.

A long history of insomnia

I have shared before how I have struggled with sleep since childhood, but what I did not include in that narrative was the instability, lack of boundaries, and lack of autonomy during that chapter of my life.

I have started to understand those things were likely incredibly intertwined with sleeping, because sleep (or the act of falling asleep) requires vulnerability and trust, and when the daytimes are so emotionally difficult, the lapse into releasing control can feel impossible.

Racing thoughts

Now, when getting ready for and getting into bed, I have realized while my body and mind try to wind down, my emotions tend to ramp up. During this time of the night, I tend to feel more lonely, overwhelmed, and even sad than at any point during the day.

These things lead me to reaching out and texting friends to remind myself I do in fact have community, support, and safety. Recently, I was talking to my therapist who brought up the concept that allowing one's body to drift off to sleep means permitting the vulnerability to take over, and that also means releasing control over ones thoughts and feelings and giving into the exhaustion.

Tips to release control and surrender to sleep

I will be honest - this is something I still struggle with. Giving into the vulnerability goes directly against a significant survival mechanism I have relied on for most of my life. When it comes time to let go of those things, a great internal transition happens - and I'm just not sure I'm ready for it yet.

Have you noticed this? How do you work with (not against) it? Here are a few suggestions I have been working on trying myself:

• Journaling before bed
• Having a meaningful conversation with a loved one
• Putting a literal timer on emotions - allowing oneself to think about and feel them for a certain amount of time (10-15 minutes) before putting them away and releasing them into the world.

I would love to know if you have ever equated insomnia and vulnerability, and what, if anything, you have done to uncouple those emotions.