How a New Type of Grief Affects My Insomnia

I try to live my life as a realist. But lately, my depression has made me feel more and more like a pessimist. I am not that person. However, while I lie awake at night, it feels we are in a never-ending cycle of chaos – a process with no end.

I'm not talking only of COVID-19, but everything that is happening around us. Last year was hard for us at all, and there are days it is hard to determine whether I am sad because of my diagnosed depression or just the weight of everything going on in the world.

Feeling weighed down

It is hard to escape the negativity of a 24/7 news cycle. I want to keep up on current events, but everything feels grim. The only bright spot recently has been vaccines are becoming more available to everyone. At the time of writing this, my husband, who has a significant heart problem, will receive his soon.

This doesn't help my brain on sleepless nights feel better. Some nights it feels as if I am weighed down by my life and the suffering of people I do not even know.

A family divided

The political divide in my family is substantial. Which is something else keeping my brain churning as my inability to sleep is ever-present. I still love my family dearly, but the division hurts. It hurts to know individual members of my family look at us differently because we believe differently.

Even before COVID-19 entered our lives, family gatherings were less frequent. When we did gather as a family, it always felt like we were separated by "sides." Those who wanted to talk about politics and those of us who just wanted to leave it alone.

A new type of depression

On the nights I do not feel like getting up and doing my regular insomnia routine of different activities, it is hard not to lie there and let my mind drift to our collective situation's sadness.

It had me questioning whether my depression was getting worse or if I was just experiencing a form of grief. Eventually, after a much-needed appointment with my psychiatrist, he helped me gain perspective.

Working through my grief

He did feel l was suffering grief over several things going on in my life. Compounded with a lack of sleep, everything feels worse. Combating this feeling at night, I either write my feelings down before I try to sleep. I journal the grief I am feeling.

Thankfully, I am slowly working through this.

Separation from my support group

It was a slow process to work through this. I could no longer see my support group in person. Zoom is not the same. My husband did the best he could, but there is nothing like your best friends, who have been with you since you were a teenager, comforting you in person.

My husband had to be protected at all costs. He received his second vaccine today and I receive mine in 2 weeks. I look forward to masked hugs after a year and a half.