At what point are you left with the ultimate decision?

I'm 38, had sleep and mental health issues for 20 years. But insomnia went into overdrive 6 years ago and hasn't let up. I quit my job cos the issue got so bad, was only working part time back then anyway but it was impossible to endure.

In 6 years I have not felt sleepy once. In the evening around 10-11:30pm I have micro sleeps where I doze off for 0.001 second then snap awake. Its weird cos it just happens unexpected when I'm awake all of a sudden. I eventually get the message from my brain I should go to sleep.

Usually takes me 30+ mins to fall asleep, but I wake up in short spells have utterly insanely long intense dreams where you think 3 days have gone by but its been at most 90 mins. And the dreams get more intense as night goes on. Eventually I wake up with tingling all over body, dizziness and high anxiety. It gives me a brain hangover where you think your brain is straight up dead most of the day.

Once or twice a week I help my brother clean carpets, and its hard because doing anything physical is daunting, especially early mornings, with only short breaks and using heavy machinery. The constant dizzyness is just frustrating, I can't make it go away.

Any slight negative thought about sleep sends the anxiety further. I have no life because of this. Feel like I am being tortured 24/7/365. Worse thing is that talking about it with anyone around me is futile. People think I'm lazy, that there is nothing wrong with me. Its impossible to vent it.

I have tried just about everything you can think of, even went to cambridge hi tec sleep study(which didnt even work), but mainly study the new school of insomnia via 'Sleep Coach school' (highly recommend). Have been understanding what he's saying for 2 years, but I cannot seem to apply it at all.

My life has gone by, I still live with my parents because of constant health problems for 20 years. Everyone around is getting on with their lives. I dream of getting a job, getting a relationship, moving out etc etc. But I feel crippled by this, and it does not get easier.

Death seems like bliss right now.